Sometimes being a soloprenuer can be so very lonely. Man, it’s in the name even. I don’t think I was adequately prepared to leave a career of being the person that 500 students relied on for everything to this new life where most of my time is spent behind the scenes and on my own. It took a toll this winter, and I swear January and February were here for 9,000 days long.
I know how to get myself out of a funk. I am the master at creating Joy Lists and taking action when I need to work all the feelings and thoughts out in my personal life, but I totally forgot to do that for my business self this year. Instead, I hid, and we all know loneliness is not the way to go. I do what I always do when things feel hard- “I got this. Let me suffer quietly. I am a fighter. I don’t need to do this in front of people. I’ll be back when it’s ok.”- and that my friends is not going to be an acceptable solution for me anymore.
A fellow photographer reached out when he hadn’t heard from me or seen me at some of the networking meetings we attend together. He got vulnerable. I got vulnerable, and I realized how much I need to give myself connection and community in addition to offering that so frequently for others. I had to set my ego, shame, guilt, and self-doubt down to get honest. I have never felt so seen. The comradery was everything. Being a business owner is hard man. Doing it all on your own is hard, but I found out yesterday that I never have to do it alone again.
He saw me through my struggle and in such a beautiful way. I bawled my eyes out when he told me he would have had no idea from the outside that I was hurting. He saw me still posting my work, said I looked busy, fulfilled, growing. And then he complimented that work. He told me that he knows it’s mine immediately, because it looks like the person I just photographed has gone through a therapy session with me, got an infusion of clarity and joy, and are completely connected, seen and ready to be photographed…it was one of the most meaningful things that has ever been said about my work, I think. I’ve had people ask me if I’m in some sort of therapy field or if I have taken classes and the answer is no, but maybe it’s time to act on some part of that too. Maybe learning more about how to connect with people will only bring more light and beauty into my studio.
I can’t thank Zach enough for being my person. For helping validate my feelings, for encouraging me, and for helping me to realize I am not alone. Growth isn’t linear my friends. I feel like I have been challenged. Challenged to see if I still want the life I have worked so hard to build, and I am ok with that challenge. It was messy, but it also brought me clarity. It reminded me of how far I have come. It has taught me to trust myself deeper than I ever have. It has taught me patience, and I feel more connected God, the Earth, myself, those who have come before me, and my family than I ever have before. What a beautiful thing to be on the other side for now. Happy Spring y’all. Lean into love, charity and kindness of those around you. Connect deeply and get vulnerable. There is so much good in this world, and you deserve it all!
