Untethered: to free from restraint
Anyone who has followed me long enough knows that I have become quite an open book in this 4th decade of my life. No gatekeeping, no more lying (to myself mostly), and no more people-pleasing. I didn’t just stumble upon authenticity or haphazardly walk into it, I ran.
Nothing about owning who I am was done in trepidation. I woke with a start, and even though the path seemed awkward and unfamiliar, I took to the dirt, bounding my way through the brambles with red in my cheeks and hair flying behind me, laced with twigs and tangles. And my God, did it free me.
I used to walk into rooms of people and could feel myself shrink, my shoulders rise, my breathing shallow. I’d find a wall, a corner, or a buffet table and pray to be left alone. Then, I would watch and judge everyone in the room, feeling worse and worse about myself, because low and behold, my fear was that they were all judging me. I was anything but authentic. Every fiber of me was craving connection, but my mindset was holding me back, ”keeping me safe”, and keeping me tethered to lies I had been telling myself for decades. Then, someone asked if I could take a group picture, and my whole demeanor changed the minute that camera hit my hand. At that moment, I didn’t actively choose to shift my energy. Photographer is my safe space, and it chose me.
There are a great many places, people, and objects in this world that allow my soul to breathe deeply. You’ve felt it too, right?!? This undeniable connection, a longing for time and space to hold still so that you can soak it in, a complete rightness- one that overwhelms your being with the purest of emotion. These things feel like coming home to myself in a way that makes me wonder if those who came before me, somewhere way far back, maybe even before I was born, had these same connections.
For me it’s water, sitting under a pine tree and listening to the wind whispering through the branches, holding a camera in my hand, light of all kinds, sharing a home cooked meal in someone’s sacred space, flowers, crystals, naps, hugging, hearing a story, snuggling a child or pet, sitting in a pew at church, hilly and cloud-covered landscapes stretching as far as the eye can see, hot rock massages, and long weekends with nothing planned. The feelings that come with these things are all encompassing, so I began to wonder how I could start shifting more of my life into this category of pure and powerful joy.
What I wanted when I stepped into an overwhelming room of people was confidence. I wanted to walk into a room where people knew who I was, where they were drawn to my energy and light. I wanted to be the person who greeted everyone, laughed, hugged, and made connections everywhere I went. And so in my head, I thought, “If you want to be an Artist, make a piece of Art.” If I want to be a bright light in other people’s lives, then strike the damn match, girl! My mom used to call me ‘Sparkles’ and somewhere along the line, that light dimmed, but my God, it has to still be in there somewhere.
Becoming untethered was easier than I ever thought it would be. I didn’t have a roadmap, just the one my heart had drawn, and it was easier to take that first step than I expected. I started with one person, because that was safest for me. And then, with consistency, it grew into something so beautiful. I don’t have to make excuses and cancel plans anymore. I don’t sit in my car, pep-talking myself into walking in. I fidget less and embrace people more (including myself now).
Lordy, why do we put so many restraints on ourselves that hold us back from living fully and with unbridled joy? Did you know that a fear of loneliness has now ranked number one of all of the human fears, above even death? And I chose to change that for myself. Unbridled and running towards a life where all is right with my soul, one little change at a time. Connection, my friends, is everything, and it’s only a choice away.