Untethered

Untethered: to free from restraint

Anyone who has followed me long enough knows that I have become quite an open book in this 4th decade of my life.  No gatekeeping, no more lying (to myself mostly), and no more people-pleasing.  I didn’t just stumble upon authenticity or haphazardly walk into it, I ran.  

Nothing about owning who I am was done in trepidation.  I woke with a start, and even though the path seemed awkward and unfamiliar, I took to the dirt, bounding my way through the brambles with red in my cheeks and hair flying behind me, laced with twigs and tangles.  And my God, did it free me.

I used to walk into rooms of people and could feel myself shrink, my shoulders rise, my breathing shallow.  I’d find a wall, a corner, or a buffet table and pray to be left alone.  Then, I would watch and judge everyone in the room, feeling worse and worse about myself, because low and behold, my fear was that they were all judging me.  I was anything but authentic.  Every fiber of me was craving connection, but my mindset was holding me back, ”keeping me safe”, and keeping me tethered to lies I had been telling myself for decades. Then, someone asked if I could take a group picture, and my whole demeanor changed the minute that camera hit my hand.  At that moment, I didn’t actively choose to shift my energy.  Photographer is my safe space, and it chose me.

There are a great many places, people, and objects in this world that allow my soul to breathe deeply.  You’ve felt it too, right?!?  This undeniable connection, a longing for time and space to hold still so that you can soak it in, a complete rightness- one that overwhelms your being with the purest of emotion.  These things feel like coming home to myself in a way that makes me wonder if those who came before me, somewhere way far back, maybe even before I was born, had these same connections.

For me it’s water, sitting under a pine tree and listening to the wind whispering through the branches, holding a camera in my hand, light of all kinds, sharing a home cooked meal in someone’s sacred space, flowers, crystals, naps, hugging, hearing a story, snuggling a child or pet, sitting in a pew at church, hilly and cloud-covered landscapes stretching as far as the eye can see, hot rock massages, and long weekends with nothing planned.  The feelings that come with these things are all encompassing, so I began to wonder how I could start shifting more of my life into this category of pure and powerful joy.

What I wanted when I stepped into an overwhelming room of people was confidence.  I wanted to walk into a room where people knew who I was, where they were drawn to my energy and light.  I wanted to be the person who greeted everyone, laughed, hugged, and made connections everywhere I went.  And so in my head, I thought, “If you want to be an Artist, make a piece of Art.”  If I want to be a bright light in other people’s lives, then strike the damn match, girl!  My mom used to call me ‘Sparkles’ and somewhere along the line, that light dimmed, but my God, it has to still be in there somewhere.

Becoming untethered was easier than I ever thought it would be.  I didn’t have a roadmap, just the one my heart had drawn, and it was easier to take that first step than I expected.  I started with one person, because that was safest for me.  And then, with consistency, it grew into something so beautiful.  I don’t have to make excuses and cancel plans anymore.  I don’t sit in my car, pep-talking myself into walking in.  I fidget less and embrace people more (including myself now).  

Lordy, why do we put so many restraints on ourselves that hold us back from living fully and with unbridled joy?  Did you know that a fear of loneliness has now ranked number one of all of the human fears, above even death?  And I chose to change that for myself.  Unbridled and running towards a life where all is right with my soul, one little change at a time.  Connection, my friends, is everything, and it’s only a choice away.

The Portrait Masters Conference

“Give them permission to love themselves.”

— Gerry Ghionis

This blog post has been a long time coming! One of the most incredible experiences of my lifetime happened a month ago, and since then, I have been processing all of the good that was flowing towards me at a very fast rate. It’s time to share just a very small fraction of this life changing event with you.

I was fortunate enough to be gifted a ticket to the 2023 Portrait Masters Conference in Arizona. It was the very last conference to be held at the Arizona Grand Resort and Spa. My mentor and founder of the event, Sue Bryce, is shifting her focus to her new education platform Self Value. Not only did she revolutionize the world of portraiture, but I will forever sing this woman’s praises because her conviction of finding self-love changed the trajectory of my life forever. Meeting her in-person was an amazing experience for me. Watching her take the stage to photograph live and then hearing her talk on all of the things she has learned throughout her career brought me to tears.

“Ask yourself...what do I want? Why do I want this? Am I in love with my day? Am I in love with my body? Am I in love with my home, my career? Am I in love with being myself? Am I in love with tthe life I have right now? Because the opposit is living in lack.”

— Sue Bryce

From the moment I stepped foot into the registration area, I was surrounded by people from around the world who were open and genuine. There was no politely and quietly waiting in line for your turn. Bonding happened immediately and friendships formed before we could even get our nametags. I was handed a red ribbon so that staff and mentors would know I was new to the conference. After checking in, one of them hugged me and then kissed me on the head while heading into a new building, telling me how grateful they were that I was there. It was a touchy-feely, connector’s dream to be surrounded by so many people who do what you do in an industry that can often feel like you are on a lonely island. I met someone from Japan who asked if she could photograph me and I cried. It was my first professional photos since Lifetouch. I cried with a woman from Hawaii about finding our way through the difficult and eventually landing on our feet. I met people from Africa, France, Brazil, New York, Texas, you name it and we all immediately clung together. I’ve never felt so seen, supported, and loved by a group of strangers. We didn’t want to waste a single moment together. I was booked solid every day from 8am until well after 1am the next morning, because it was hard to go back to our rooms and give up precious hours together. It was sooooo good for the soul.

Every morning I watched the best from around the world take the stage and regardless of the type of art they created, I was inspired by each and every one of them. Educating myself and opening myself up to new experiences or ways of thinking is one of my top priorities in life and I could not soak it all in fast enough. The wisdom and talent in the room was mind blowing. These superstars would meet outside with us, take the selfie, answer questions, join us for meals, dance the night away, karaoke, and involve us in deep conversations. Their life stories held me captivated and inspired me to find my strength and courage. “You have to remember how strong you are. Why do we have to get to an extreme situation to believe in our own strength?”

One of the weird things coming into this conference for the first time was the fact that I have been following and looking up to so many people in our community for so long that I felt like I knew many of them personally. It was hard to keep your cool and be like, “I know you don’t know me, but I love you!”

I had heard about Teri Hofford before coming to the conference. She is a revolutionary in body positivity. She stepped on stage and documented portraiture through open dialogue by asking the most beautifully profound, yet somehow incredibly simple questions that allowed the subject to open up to her in a way that was excruciatingly authentic. Surprise- more crying. She ran a booth in the vendor hall and at the conclusion of day one, she invited us to come and create a sign with our affirmation on it. It didn’t take me long to land on my message.

I came from a home of abuse when I was younger. My abuser made sure I knew I would never be anything, was worth nothing, and would never be ‘good’ before I left the house every day. I have battled this mentality my whole life. I lost an organ and sank myself with two stomach diseases, all while trying to prove my worth (you know that thing I was born with and is inherently mine the moment I was brought into existence) by giving and giving and giving literally everything I had. I’ve done a lot of hard work here, and I am so proud of the person I am. Those experiences have helped to shape the mother, educator, and artist I am. Teri snapped this picture of me right before I had to scream that message outloud. Three little words and I was scream sobbing by the end. Teri, you are my hero!

“Sometimes you just need someone to give you permission to find yourself beautiful.”

— Gerry Ghionis

Y’all I am in a state of BECOMING and UNFOLDING and it is extraordinary. This was just another incredible door that opened to me because I have learned to expect abundance in my life. I have learned that love comes through me, and it was reflected in all the faces of these people who opened their arms and hearts to me. Community and connection is everything, and I have been filled with gratitude for this experience of a lifetime.